Who We Are

Each one of us is the conglomeration of our traits and attributes. This is a very open-ended definition of who we are because there is no one set thing that determines us. Each person has their own beliefs, values, and weights on how much each thing matters. There is nothing wrong with this discontinuity between people as it leads all of us to follow our own paths.

Recently I had an encounter with one of these things I feel determines who I am. My Science teacher asked me to come in with her during one of my free blocks, so she could help me organize. I am a person who looks incredibly unorganized. My backpack is stuffed with papers, which are in no binders or folders. Despite this, while I do not always know where my things are I am very good at making sure that I have everything by the time I need it. My system has worked fairly well for me, despite my backpack's trash barrel resemblance. While it has been a largely good system, there have been times where things like binders have come in and made me feel amazed by how much they help. Though whenever I use one of these organizational tools I feel like I'm giving up a part of myself. I am the disorganized person. That's in my mind a strong visual trait that many people see me as. So when my science teacher asked me to come in with her for organizational help I was scared, this part of me was under attack.

My first response was to amplify this part. I would tell people about it, make fun of it with them. We would all laugh at just how disorganized I was having to go in for help, and with the laughter, my legacy of disorganization would be cemented. I did all of this and had a good time, it was a good talking point and fit into the pieces about how I liked attention (discussed in greater detail here). The day did come though and so I went to see my teacher for help. She sorted out my papers into classes, asked me about what things had worked in the past, and gave me folders to use. Each class had a folder with all my papers from that subject. A large part of what I thought immediately after, and somewhat while doing, was how I would look with these. It is scary changing a part of yourself, even a part that seemed so small. I was the disorganized person. While not actively trying to sabotage these folders, I did not try to utilize them the best they could be used. I do not know how much I actually did, like if I just put papers outside the folders, or subconsciously tried to remove their ease of access, but my actions here turned out to be inconsequential. The folders worked, they had all my things in them and I could find them right away.

These folders were quite nifty to have around, and I definitely warmed up to them. I did not see them as an attack on me, I knew I would always be me and still look disorganized through other ways, they wouldn't change me. And then they didn't work anymore. I had to find something, and I could not find it right away in my backpack and so I emptied it all out. Like that, all these folders came flying out on the floor getting good and settled for a long stay at the green carpet inn. Everything was everywhere and it just made more sense to me to put my important papers back in just by themselves. I did not feel like I needed all the other random papers the folders had in them. And there I was back to myself, it was good, I had proven that I was messy and that's who I was. No folders or anything else could change me. Of course, only a few days later I grabbed my English folder because it was by far the best thing to hold my journal and everything else I needed to use for that class. Now here I sit a few weeks later, with some folders, and some loose paper in my backpack.

I do not know what to make of this fully. It could be as simple as it had no other meaning than being a mix of folders and loose papers. It could be that naturally the most efficient method prevailed, being a mix of both. In any case though, what it means to me is that we are who we are. I do not become organized or disorganized because of my backpack. I am me, and whoever that is is not determined by one trait. My method of thinking will still be mine, who I am is still me. It is okay to try new things, even if they are so against defined visible traits of myself. While all of this is some take on the corny, "Try new things" or "Be yourself" genre, I feel this was a realization to me. It is much easier to say those things, then to do, or even actually feel comfortable losing a part of yourself. In essence what I am may not be what I can be or am to come. I should try to be the best version of myself and if that causes me to have to use a few folders that's okay. I will also almost certainly not actually change that much, despite any new things I try. Who we are known as can feel so fragile and that each part is important, but in the end, no person is made up of one thing. If we change we are not a new person, we are still us. In addition, even if we change we will not lose that part of ourselves completely, it came because of some reason, and for it to go completely would have to be a momentous event. We are who we are, and we will change, but we are still us.