How I Function (2/3)

Before you start reading this, if you haven't already read the first part, I implore you to, because this will not make any sense by itself. Here is a link to the first installment. Click Here

Breaking Point:

To give you a timeframe of how often this occurs, I would say it has happened 3 times in the last year. This "point" usually lasts 6-24 hours, and is precipitated by something stressful that I have a hard time completing, or working through. The problem occurs, due to the fact that I keep putting this stress inducing situation off, replacing it with simple easy, often more entertaining things. This causes it all to collapse in on me at some point. This is especially true if there is a specific date I must complete the problem, like a large homework assignment would have. My own belief in myself creates this mirage of it being fine, until the end when I just can't function. For example in the case of a large homework assignment, I often do leave stuff towards the last minute, and the majority of the time, I easily complete it. Imbedded in these past success, is this belief that I always will be able to complete what I need to do, in the allotted time frame, no matter how little time I have left.

What actually occurs is a mental breakdown, of all mid level functions, and capabilities to be self dependent. As reality hits, and I realize that I just can't do what I need to, I become ensued in the aspects of my life that are on the opposite ends of the spectrum, yet are connected in their purpose to me. These aspects are the easiest things that I can do, and then also the most thought intriguing, yet least relevant things I can do. See while I might have a hard time, when this I am at this "breaking point", actually doing relevant things to help my situation, or to even function thoroughly as an independent human, doing things like watching TV, which takes little energy, or surfing through random questions on Quora (Really cool site if you don't know what it is, it is basically just a knowledge sharing platform, like Reddit, but a little more focused) where I just read questions, many of them societal based, and really try, to my limited ability, to understand the human psyche, and their reasoning for their answers (especially, because there is quite a bit of non anonymous people, on Quora, and people often state their backgrounds, and history). What both these easy things, and deeper non relevant things share, despite all their phenotypical differences, is that they are easy.

Why this is different then, say just procrastination, is something that I don't think the reader of this should understand fully yet. This is because, I do not believe, I have not done a great job, up to this point, of explaining how I really am feeling when this "breaking point" is occurring. When I am at this point it is not that I don't want to fix my problem, I just physically feel like I can't. I have possible answers, and things that I can do to help, within my mind, but I just can't expound them into the real world, for some reason. The only fix I've found for this so far is to, just let time pass, especially if it includes sleep. The very rare occurrence of this "point", which I'm very grateful for, has led me to just not spend as much time thinking about it as other points in my life. This both hurts my explanation of it here, and how well I understand it, within my own mind. If I had to give it one quick explanation I'd say "An overload of stress, with distractions a plenty, until the end, where with no other options, I run away"

I've Decided to separate Breaking Point, and Reflection Two, into two posts because both are fairly long. So expect the last piece tomorrow!

Have a fantastic day!