How I Function (1/3)

Hi, this piece is going to be paired with one other, that I will link here when it is published. In these next two pieces I will talk about the four states I find myself in most often: Jubilance, Reflectivity 1, Breaking Point, Reflectivity 2

Now this piece will just have Jubilance, and Reflectivity 1, so take this piece alone with a grain of salt, as it will make more sense when connected to the next piece, with Breaking Point, and Reflectivity 2.

Jubilance:

This is how I choose to live my life, and is the state I am in the majority percent of time. This is also when I am the most selfish, but the thing with selfishness is that when used in constraint, and for the right things, it can be an incredible positive attribute (Will be explained in Reflectivity 2). The two main parts of jubilance are keeping my internal self feeling good through techniques I've learned that help me in my life, and through being affirmed by others.

Throughout my life I have taught myself a few different skills, to keep myself feeling good. One skill is to always be doing something, be it standing instead of sitting, or smashing my hands together. I've found that this sort of high energy movement keeps me happy in the sense that I just like physically moving, keeps my energy higher, and gives me the ability to get out of situations more easily. The reason it helps me get out of situations is that while doing something, I am always a little less connected, then if I was just still. This an especially important thing for me to realize, because while it can be all right to stay a little less connected if you are in a larger group, say at a lunch table, when you are with only a few people, they deserve your full attention. This is one trick that I find very effective at times, but I must also be very careful with it, or else I can create a situation where I neither connect with people, or let them connect with me. One other example of something I do, is when I get a message in a form of communication that can not contribute tone effectively, I literally repeat the message out loud until I put it in a positive tone. Both of these, and other techniques, generally keep me feeling happy throughout the day.

The second part of jubilance comes from a selfish need. I really like to be liked. This need to be liked by such a majority, causes me to perform kind acts, that are only loosely based on some moral ideal (Will be explained in Reflectivity 2), but instead their purpose is to make people affirm, and like me. At this point I would not blame you if you said I was a robot, who was coded to make themselves feel happy, and doesn't express their real emotions, but I hope I can change your mind.

Reflectivity:

This is an event, that normally occurs at least a few times a week, and is not something I do when with other people. It normally lasts for 15-60 minutes long, with the main parts being looking at how my actions were interpreted in my mind, imagining completely unrealistic events, and then coming into peace with myself. The looking back at my actions stems once again from the need to be liked. I go through the events of the week in my mind, and make sure that I haven't done anything that I feel could have negatively affected someone. If I feel that I have done somethin bad, I first calm myself down, through logic, like that it probably wasn't actually that bad. I then try, and figure out where my mistake stemmed from to help me in the future.

The second part of this is probably pretty weird, and while not a sad thing, I can see it quite possibly being interpreted as very dark. In my head I like to create a story, almost like a build your own adventure, where something terrible has happened. An example of a possible event in one of these stories, is one of my parents dying. I then try and figure out what I would do if the event occurred, and how the event would affect me. Just thinking like this quite interesting to me, especially about how these events would affect my psyche/personality, and it has a fairly positive effect afterwards. The positive part comes from its ability to anchor me to reality. See what I believe in is that sadness, is needed equally as happiness. You can't have one without the other, because they are both completely based off each other.

By creating terrible events in my mind, I create an almost alternate reality where these events have occurred. I am able to use these terrible situations effectively, because of how vivid I make them. What truly makes them vivid, is using past emotions, as I have had times, like most people, where I've been extremely sad and angry. I can still remember those emotions, and their effect on me, and instead of having to feel them in my real life, in this alternate reality I place those emotions, feeling them in a more mild, and to a more controlled extent. By feeling them in this alternate reality, it helps me feel emotions that are equally happy as they are sad in my real life. It also allows me to have a strong perspective in how my life is at the moment, and generally makes me feel better, because I know that whatever problem is going on in my real life, it doesn't normally compare to those past emotions.

That was the first two parts of How I Function. Stay tuned for the next piece, and have a truly splendid day!