Enlightenment, Realization, Awakening (3/3)

As I got on the bus home, I looked around. The bus was almost empty, but what really mattered to me was that neither Jasper or Cecile was on it. In general those were the two people who I talked with on the bus, leaving me to be silently looking out windows. The whole ride I was still feeling the swelling power of the sadness inside me. When I got to my stop, I ran off the bus onto my road of reflection. My bus stop and house are a little bit away so I normally have a couple minutes of walking where all I do is think about things. At this point all I was thinking about is why am I still sad? I had completely switched my position on a view and argument, that was the cause of me originally feeling bad. Yet here I was walking down my road feeling very little if at all different since the end of the argument. Truthfully I already new the reason why I felt this way, but I was just not ready to accept it. My first reasoning was that I just hated arguments, basing it off the fact that so much of my family has been split up. Literally a good margin more then half of my family is divorced. I tried to console myself saying it was this that was making me feel the way I did. This was a complete lie, because despite all the breaking up within my family, my family was still one of the most loving groups of people I had ever seen, along with the fact most of these divorces didn't really affect me or I was even around for. I continued to make arguments with little substance, with only reason for being even contemplated, was to be a distraction. As I stepped over the hill that was above my house, I finally accepted why I felt so miserable. It wasn't because I had had some terrible thing happen to me, or the argument had ruined my friendship with those involved, it was my inability to be disliked. Social anxieties can have a powerful grip on your life, and mine was no different. My whole life beginning with elementary school and going through middle, I had pretended to be a perfect child at school, and let out my anger at home. If I hadn't had a family that was like a sponge that soaked anger and exuded love I don't know what I would have done. As I got into high school I thought this was gone, with me being both more mature, and living a life I loved both in and out of school. This one argument I had, made me realize that while I had out grown my separate phase part of my life, I was still living with anxiety within. So did I change my argument because I don't believe in it, or so other people won't dislike me. Personally I still think it is because my argument was against who I am as a person, but maybe I'm just rationalizing again.

-Thanks for Reading my first finished installment!