My Summer #3 (1/x)

Preface to the rest of this series; I would like to ask my family, if they are reading this to stop reading this series please. This piece will not have anything I don't want read, but I'm sure there'll be pieces in the future that are more personal, and I would not like read by y'all. Not because they are bad, just feelings I'd like to expound, but not have the people closest to me seeing. Love all of you and thank you for stopping reading this right now.

Family Please Don't Read This

Link To Last Post in Series-Explains things

Hmph, more stuff I wanna talk about today. At least for the moment this series is going to be encompassing both what has happened in my past week, and how I'm feeling. Today has been hard. This morning had both a good and a bad thing, but the bad has been so much more encompassing. The good thing was just that I did better on something then I had expected. The bad thing was that I was unable to sign up for something I had really wanted to do this summer. In a whole life scale it is actually probably better that those two things were not reversed, because logically the first thing will have a bigger impact on my life. Now despite that neither of these things will in the end have that huge of an impact though. With that said, the thing that I wasn't able to sign up for, has so far made this day just feel terrible. Its been really hard, and I've just been thinking about it a lot, without being able to stop.

Some weird stuff has also been happening, and its so hard, because I know what is going on, I know what I should be doing, but I just don't want to do it. It is interesting because of the stark contrast between the first time I was strongly depressed, and whatever this is, which seeing as how short of a time its been I do not know yet. I think it has a lot to do in how I've changed since those two times. When I was younger I believe that I had more care in a larger number of things, while compared to now I care very little about a lot of things, but then a ton about a few things. I think this creates a more unstable system, because if one of those things I care a lot about goes down fully, or is even shaken just a little, it has a much greater impact then before, when I cared about more things, but in less strong of a way. I think the main problem is that I somewhat based myself off three main things, family, friends, and what I am doing. In the past what has always been hardest for me to succeed is the "what I am doing", I've always found it hard to try new things and branch off. This has at times constrained this, and has caused me to feel bad about what I am doing. This continues to be hard, but unlike before other stuff is going down

I also feel that my family kind of just crumbled in a very short time period. I was so close with those nearest to me, while not having a big extended family, I had a fairly large family. There was me, my two brothers, my step brother, mom, dad, and step mom. I was never the closest with my step family, but I was insanely close with my brothers. Their gone though, being in college, and having finished college. This leaves me with my mom, who is there for me if I want, and my dad who I know is going through a lot right now. What confuses me though is that I always get annoyed whenever someone like my grandparents calls me, I should want that right? Its just been a lot, and there have been so many calls, all of which are basically the same. There always wondering what I've done this day, then they ask how I'm doing, and I say good. This leads to what I think is my biggest conundrum. I know that I should be talking with people, my past therapist, or even friends or family, but I just have no want in anyway to do that. I'm running.

The next weird thing came when I was thinking about the general concept of suicide, not thinking about doing it, really. When I was younger despite at times very much looking like I was going to do it, and then having the lame excuse of I love myself to much to ever do it, I new, even though I see now that no logical person would ever have believed this at the time, that I both was too afraid, and loved myself too much to ever actually do it. When I was thinking about it now, I still had that fear that comes from a lack of self confidence, and overall just not having the strength to do somethings without a lot of help, but the loving myself too much feels like it is gone.

Despite all of this the thing that scares me the most is still the same. It is the anger that I feel at points, so reminiscent as that which enveloped me in the past. Intense, strong, blinding, and something that I know would never leave my house. What is so fearful of this is that me knowing that it will never leave my home, and it will not end up at my dads house, leaving only my mom to deal with it. I really don't want that to happen, and I feel like i'm watching it cook in an oven from far away, slowly seeing the timer click onwards.

Second Part:

I wrote that first part yesterday, and I write this part... wait for it... today. I wanted to say that my second half of the day turned out a lot better. I ate some food and that made me feel good. It really took my mind off things, and let me continue with my day. I also thought more about that suicide thing, and now believe I am partly wrong in what I said above. I don't know if one of the reasons was that "I loved myself" in the past, but not now, because I don't think it was love. I just saw myself as superior, to the world, worth more then it. You could say that is loving yourself, but if that is then I don't want that. What I want to feel is that I deserve my life, and writing this right now I do feel that. This second part is actually being written a day later, and I did accomplish a nice thing today. I went to a job fair for a whole foods, and had an interview for a cashier/bagger job, which made me feel good. This is just one of the weird things, because it is still so recent that everything happened, (dad's divorce, which seems to have unleased a lot). This has made it hard to understand how I am truly, with lots of mood shifts. I don't know what is exactly going on, but right now I am happy.