My Summer #2 (2/2)

Preface to the rest of this series; I would like to ask my family, if they are reading this to stop reading this series please. This piece will not have anything I don't want read, but I'm sure there'll be pieces in the future that are more personal, and I would not like read by y'all. Not because they are bad, just feelings I'd like to expound, but not have the people closest to me seeing. Love all of you and thank you for stopping reading this right now.

Link to Part one of this two part piece

Family Please don't read this

We left off with me just having arrived back from Germany, to the United States. Late Thursday night, as I arrived back to my house all seemed normal. I stayed up a little bit, and then went to bed.

When I got up the next morning, I first went and took a shower. The normality was not frugal, with the whole day seeming like it would be any other Friday. As I got back to my room from the shower I sat on my bed. All seemed normal. My father then walked into my room, I was only in a towel, he told me he had to tell me something. Seeing me in a towel, he said I should put some clothes on. I did, I wondered, but my mind did not stray too far into what he wanted to tell me. I sat down on my bed, and he sat down their to. He started off talking about how he was sorry that he had gotten married to my stepmom so quickly, and should have taken my feelings into consideration. At this point I knew something was probably up, no more was it normal.

He then told me that they were getting a divorce. I sat their holding him, him holding me. I was stunned. What came next though is something that I felt worse about, he told me how he felt like he disappointed me. I told him that no he had never, but then I knew my words could only go so far. This is because he had read some of my writing on here, and talked about it. That writing at times had revealed some of my emotions. These emotions were not very happy emotions, sad, angry, and yet I was never disappointed by him, but it feels and felt so hard to convince him of that. He left after a short while, and when he was gone I cried. I cried for an hour, and by the end of it my brain had a terrible headache.

I then did something, something that I never would have thought I'd do. I texted my stepmom, told her I was sorry about what happened, and then told her I was glad she had been in my life. I also said that I was sorry for sometimes not being the easiest. She was very nice, and said she wished nothing but the best for me. But the fact is I'm worried that I had some part to play in this whole thing. I know children are always told not to be blamed, but I looked up at my curtains. She had told me to fix my curtains because I had taken them all down. Well I did, sort of. I put them up, but how I did, I knew was incorrect. I did that way because it was easier and faster to. Yet when I looked up they were perfectly normal, someone had fixed them. I assume that she had.

We were always different, in a lot of ways, but I feel like my differences, of being extremely disorganized, and generally not caring about how I or things I had looked pushed her. Recently I had tried going to a movie theater with them in boots, because my shoes were wet, yet I was told to put on shoes. I asked why? This is going to sound bad, but it really wasn't, I just can't figure out a way to word it correctly. Effectively she said that they didn't want to be seen with me looking like that. (sounds worse then was )We had a lot of differences. These differences had always kept us apart, despite living together for 9 years. My step brother, I was also never super close with. That was different though, it was more of a we just never interacted that much, not differences in personality.

Despite all of this I cried for an hour, not even understanding why at times. Throughout that day, and the couple days (includiong right now) after I was very confused, angry, sad, worried, and just a lot of things. This felt so different then the first time my parents got divorced. I felt the after effects of that, but I was too young to really feel it as it happened. My own thoughts were changing rapidly, with things almost getting harder, as more people came to help. At my dads house it is me, my dad, my stepmom, and step brother. When my family called in to check on me, it was almost always followed with "do something with dad, he's going through a hard time". I really did want to help, and do want to help, but it feels so overwhelming. No one else is there, and I feel like I have to be the strong one, because right now my dad is going through a really hard time. All my brothers are gone, my mom is divorced from him, grandparents are away, I have no cousins, its just me. I want to help, but I feel like I can't and I feel so much pressure from it. Most of all because I love my dad so much, and I know he feels like he disappointed me, or did harm to me, but he has truly been an amazing dad.

Things changed more when I took a bike ride at one point. This is when I realized I was a lot more angry then I had thought. There are a couple other big things, that are going on in my life, and this affects them negatively. That's where most of the anger comes from.

After that I realized all the small things, like I have 5 pets their, who is going to keep what?, am I moving again?, will I see these people who have been in more then half my life ever again? This is then coupled with just a general, what is happening? I have no idea what is going on, when will people move from the same house, time frames, what will my Dad do when I am at my moms? All these questions.

As I end this I have one more thing I want to get into. I have chosen this medium specifically to express my thoughts. If you are a friend who is reading this, I don't want to talk about it, all I want is to be treated exactly the same. I want this to affect as little as possible, outside of what it must, and I really like where my friendships are. I know you might want to be there for me, but all I want is an escape where I can joke around, and have fun. Thank you for being that. I do know that I should express myself though, and I was finding it really hard to do anything. I really didn't want this to end though, and so as a way to express myself, and to make sure I still am doing things, when it is so easy to do nothing in the summer, I have chosen to use this to express how I am feeling